I went to see the film The Other Woman a few days ago and it reminded me of an incident that happened a couple of years ago.
I mentioned in a previous post that I’d once had a relationship with a guy (five months) before I found out he had a girlfriend (seven years).
I met the guy – let’s call him Bozo – through a mutual hobby and we started seeing each other fairly regularly, and then it actually all moved very fast and we were seeing each other very often and he was making all sorts of declarations about love etc. I’ve never been one to rush these things and I think it frustrated him because he perceived it that I was holding back on him.
He also told me that he’d recently broken up with a girlfriend, so I guess I was keen not to be the fall-back girl.
Aside from feeling a bit bulldozed by him, I didn’t have any reason to be suspicious.
Until I was at work one day – yep, AT WORK – and my phone rang, and a voice asked me what was going on between me and her boyfriend.
She introduced herself as Bozo’s girlfriend and wanted to know what was happening between us.
There followed a somewhat lengthy phone call where she wanted to know in grim detail what had been happening over the last five months.
It turned out they were taking some time out, she had gone to stay with her parents and believed that he was home alone every night. And when the arsehole wasn’t with me, he was with her. What a guy!
Despite this being one of the weirdest phone calls I’ve ever taken, I should mention that she actually seemed like a really nice girl. She knew that I didn’t have a clue what was going on, she didn’t shout, she didn’t swear, she didn’t blame me, she just wanted to know the facts.
Don’t get me wrong, this was no scene from a Cameron Diaz movie, but I did end up putting the phone down thinking that she seemed like someone I’d be friends with in another world and I admired her bravery and level head.
Aside from being pretty hurt by Bozo and saddened to have been nothing more than an unwitting mistress, I walked away from that mess with my head high knowing I hadn’t deliberately done anything to hurt anyone.
I have never spoken to him again and never intend to.
I believe she stayed with him and have seen them together at hobby-related social occasions. We give each other a wide berth and effectively pretend each other isn’t in the room. I imagine that whilst she never blamed me, I don’t suppose she wants to see all that much of me either.
But this incident has had me thinking. At what stage, if ever, should you tell someone their other half is a cheater and a liar?
I wrote in my previous post that there has been a number of married or attached men who have tried it on with me, thinking that because I’m single, I’m happy to sleep with another woman’s husband/boyfriend.
Each one of these men has been sent packing (obviously!) but I must admit it has made me feel bad for the wife/girlfriend who probably doesn’t have a clue what a shithead she is with.
I’ve never said anything to any of them, because to tell someone their other half cracked on to you feels almost vindictive, like playground bitchiness that would cause upset between them deliberately.
Or is it a dis-service to not flag up to someone ‘hey, he’s shithead’?
You obviously won’t be the last one he tries it with and eventually she’s going to discover he’s been sleeping with someone else.
So should you speak out or stay the hell out of it?
Is there a difference between another woman you know? Or one you’ve never met?
If you knew someone was planning to burgle someone else’s house and steal their most precious things, would you tell them in advance? Or wait for it to happen and then show sympathy for something you could have prevented?